Tears Of A Clown
by HaveringFool
Summary: She holds onto the hand that reaches for hers – Jane's. [Note: A really important a/n rests or lies, at the bottom of chapter one.]
1. Chapter 1

She starts her day, like all and most days – awaking on an empty bed, except for her own being sprawled across it, and with the constant promise of a cup of coffee brewing streets away.

She tosses aside the covers, rolls off the bed, and drags herself into the shower, manages to tame her unruly mane, and sets off in her cruiser - towards the cup of coffee she so requires.

Her phone buzzes and she thumps the steering wheel before answering with: "Detective Rizzoli here."

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**A/N: **Hi there, thank you, for the time~  
A new episode airs tomorrow (or...today? Time zone differences) and, I'm sort of anxious about it so, since I have a slight fascination with clowns - the very slightest - I am tempted too by the title, the inspired idea, and lastly, it's a good chance for me to practice with this fanfic for the other fanfic (if I'm even slightly good, or simply coherent, you'll know what I'm driving at...probably...) so in conclusion, here's a wacky (probably) fast-themed (maybe) story. It has till chapter six for now because, as anxious and as distracting writing fanfics might be, I have school tomorrow. So, maybe, the episode won't even be that bad, but, I'll create my own delusion first. I could google and spoil the episode but, I'm going to Tumblr-spoil it tomorrow anyway. Pardon me if I can't use the title. **Disclaimer is and will always be in my profile; I'm just specifically mentioning it here because, I really couldn't think of another title and, the idea thus inspired was from the title, **and it's cool, isn't it (to me at least).  
Note and maybe, a warning of sorts: I'm really bad with actual, factual stuff so, everything's made up on a whim and to some degree (some degree) of sense. (This note should apply for all the fanfics I write though...hahaha. Yet, since this particular one has the crime element (somewhat?) so, just bear this note in mind...)


	2. Chapter 2

"You didn't come for your coffee today," she smiles as she gestures Jane to her mug.

"Thank _you_, Doctor Isles," Jane rolls her eyes with a smile, "Didn't you get called in?"

"Did you _see_ me at the crime scene?" She asks without looking up from the body on her autopsy table. A John Doe, a little John Doe, was lying on it. She tried not to allow for any transference to occur.

"There weren't any dead bodies that we could find, just blood traces," Jane takes a sip of coffee, "Maybe that's why you didn't have to come in," Jane walks nearer to her.

"If you're going to be near the body, you have to take the adequate precautions Jane," she utters a reminder.

"Are you saying that I'm dirty?" Jane teases as she obediently dons a surgical gown and a pair of gloves.

"I just don't want to have you risk contaminating evidence and…" She reaches for a pair of forceps – a strand of red.

"Do you see this?" She drops the new found evidence into a bag and hands it to Jane. She turns back to the body.

That was the only strand.

"I'll get Susie to run a test on it," she reaches for the bag.

"It's definitely hair," Jane concludes as she hands the bag over, and eagerly removes her protective attire, "And that's just my guess," Jane makes sure to add before she interjects, "A beer, that it's hair," Jane playfully challenges.

"I'm not gambling or betting anything with you Jane," she starts to leave the morgue, and Jane follows behind, "And it could be anything, ranging from hair to any synthetic material in a strand-like form. We'll only know if –"

"If we run tests on it," Jane hurries after her before she steps into the laboratory, "And while we wait for the results, should we grab lunch?" Jane asks with a smile.

"We can," she smiles to Jane, before entering the laboratory. She thanks her lab assistants before heading towards her office. Jane waits by the elevator.

She steps into the elevator, dressed in her 'Maura and not medical examiner' attire; her goggles, her gloves, and her scrub suit lie neatly folded next to the John Doe, the little John Doe.

She holds onto the hand that reaches for hers – Jane's.

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**A/N: **Hi there, thank you, for the time~


	3. Chapter 3

He starts his day, like all his days since – by donning on a coloured wig, a rubber nose, and an exaggeratedly drawn smile.

He settles into his role as his feet step into a pair of red oversized shoes; and he tries to not see how similar he looks to that character in 'It'.

He packs his tools, his unlikely weapons into his bag, and he puts on his tag. He was decorated once, but he had retired since.

The children will come, and work has begun, it's time; and his used-to-be fiancée will be meeting him this afternoon on the scene.

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**A/N: **Hi there, thank you, for the time~


	4. Chapter 4

"I know that it's only been a week, this, dating thing…but," she guides Maura through the crowd, with her hand behind Maura's back, "I wanted to take you somewhere special for lunch today," she smiles as she waits by the door, for Maura's approval.

"Only if we get back in time," Maura smiles, "And please, no alcohol. It's only mid-day Jane."

"What if Susie comes right now, and tells us that it's hair?" She laughs as they step through the door.

"I'm not having you drink anymore after –" Maura reaches for her phone, as she does for her own.

"Detective Rizzoli," she answers. "Doctor Isles," Maura answers.

"Lunch will have to wait?" Maura turns to her.

"I'm driving," she begrudgingly gestures to the car.

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**A/N: **Hi there, thank you, for the time~


	5. Chapter 5

"Thank you," she says to the officers as she steps under the police tape and Jane, the detective, steps under it after her.

"There's a body for us at least," Jane comments; she turns around to look at Jane.

"What's the problem Jane?" Cautiously she asks; she had picked up some tension on the drive over here, and Jane's comment seemed, too edgy and unsettling.

Jane sighs before answering, "He works here Maura."

"He?"

"You know…him…?"

"Casey?"

"Yes Maura! Casey!"

"If there's any animosity left between you and him Jane, you should work to resolve it with him. It does neither party good, after a break-up, to have the situation neither resolved nor talked about. If you still feel guilty or a sense of guilt as to what had transpired…"

"I don't feel guilty Maura," Jane rests her hand on her shoulder, "It's just…"

"Awkward?" She fills in the blank.

"Yes, awkward. I don't want to actually see him again, after saying no to his proposal…"

She licks at her lips. Casey had proposed to Jane, and Jane had said no to him. Jane had come running to her house, in the dead of night, explaining how she didn't feel capable of being his, of being with him, and herself when she was with him, and how things just didn't feel right with him. She had told Jane to take a short trip to think about things. Jane had gone and came back, broken up with Casey, and waited a week before asking her out on a date. She licks at her lips, and Jane's hand on her shoulder feels heavy.

"It's you I wouldn't leave," Jane assures her with a gentle squeeze to her shoulder, "It's you Maura," Jane smiles at her.

She returns a smile without daring to meet Jane's eyes.

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**A/N: **Hi there, thank you, for the time~


	6. Chapter 6

He sees them. He hears them. The sirens, the police tape, and her. He knows that he looks as if he's already smiling, but he smiles anyway - he sees her.

He hands a little girl a flower. He hands a little boy a sword. He hands a little girl a hat. He hands a little boy a gun. He hands out balloons to children; he hasn't mastered juggling yet.

He gives his nose a gentle honk, and he waves goodbye to the diminishing queue - happy, satisfied children with balloons; his therapist said that it'll help, that it'll outweigh all the pain and anguish he had since witnessed in the war.

He feels a tug to his pinstriped pants.

He turns around to see, a little boy with an angelic smile. In the sweetest voice, the little boy asks, "May I have a balloon please?"

He smiles, and his smile, along with his made up smile, widens and stretches across his face. "Follow me?" He offers his hand.

The little boy takes his hand, and he leads the little boy a little away. Away from the excited yells, away from the bustling crowds and carnival pals, and simply away from all the seeing eyes.

He can retire, he can change his environment to avoid the pain and anguish; but they are here, and it's time to give her a reason to meet him again.

The little boy manages a muted yell, before he collapses onto the ground - with a balloon animal in his hand, and his own blood pooling on the ground.

He leaves the bloody knife - among the dozen knives - resting on the table of the knife throwing master's; there's a show five minutes later.

"How glaring," he says to himself as he smirks; as he waits for them, as he waits for her, to see, to see him again.

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**A/N: **Hi there, thank you, for the time~  
If you're here, hope the story's alright so far.


	7. Chapter 7

She walks ahead, a little ahead, and maybe a little fast ahead - to get away from Jane's explanation. To take her mind off the heaviness of Jane's hand. She walks ahead, a little ahead, and she stops in her quest.

There, a little ahead, in the middle of a pool of reddish brown stain lies, a Jane Doe, a little Jane Doe.

She tries not to conjure up the memory of who is currently lying beside her googles, gloves, and scrub suit. She tries not to picture how beneath the cloth she had pulled over her autopsy table, lay a John Doe, a little John Doe, with a Y-incision across his chest. She tries not to recall the thirty little Jane Does and little John Does that had since lain on her autopsy table.

She tries to block out the process of having to inspect each and every inch of the unmoving body of children; at how, they should be boisterous and moving, like T.J. - she tries to not connect the images. She tries to not let their deaths get to her; she tries to remain objective and to simply be as her peers had dubbed her - the Queen of the Dead.

Mostly, she tries not to think of how, she'll have to do it all again to the Jane Doe, the little Jane Doe, lying a little ahead of her.

She registers Jane's hand, and it still feels heavy on her shoulder; and she knows that transference has occurred, and guilt too has settled.

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**A/N: **Hi there, thank you, for the time~


	8. Chapter 8

"I came here today Maura, because I was called in," she had started to explain as Maura began walking ahead. "I was called in, and I missed your coffee, and," she internalized a sigh - Maura didn't meet her eyes, "I found out that Casey worked here, only because I saw his name in the register. I saw his name in the book of employees Maura. I wasn't even looking for…" Her words had fallen away as she saw the body lying a little ahead.

Maura had seemed to falter, and she had reached out to hold onto her.

She knew how partial Maura can get to children. She had seen the way Maura looked at T.J. and how she showered him with gifts and presents. Books would build his perspective of the world, the stories would help him reach his stages of development, and toys would aid his motor skills, and so on and so forth. Maura was always justifying her pampering of T.J. with research and studies, when all she really wanted to do was hold him - she had caught Maura singing to T.J. when she had thought no one was looking.

She had noticed how Maura seemed to have made it a point to never spend more time than necessary with the children cadavers. She had watched as Maura conducted the autopsies, and proceeded to spend the week hiding out in her office. She knew that Maura prided herself on speaking for the dead, but she knows that Maura hates it most when it's the children who are dead. They played truth or dare one drunken night, and Maura had tried to, but Maura couldn't lie.

She had given a gentle squeeze to Maura's shoulder, and had considered pulling Maura in for a hug. She had simply considered the notion, because an ear-piercing scream had carried towards them right at that moment.

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**A/N: **Hi there, thank you, for the time~


	9. Chapter 9

He hears the scream, and he knows that it's been discovered - the body of the little boy; his prize, his token, his moment of meeting her.

He hears the scream, but he continues the sculpting of rubber creations.

"Here's one for your wrist," he says as he places a flower bracelet pass a little girl's hand, "And here's another for you to sniff," he jokingly says with a gentle honk to his nose.

The little girl laughs, and he does feel warm inside; but he is still grinning over the happening of the scream.

"May I have a knife too? For my little brother? He always pretends to like the animals and never asks for the knives," the little girl asks and explains, with a gentle sway of her pink-stemmed, yellow-petal flower balloon.

He simply nods and gets to sculpting. He tries not to converse with the children; he cannot determine or predict their reactions. He simply nods and gets to sculpting. Their smiles, and thanks, should be enough - but they aren't her.

"Be careful, these things can hurt," he says as he does a silly dance in his red oversized shoes and sends a wave.

He has one more balloon to give, and right on time - for he sees her dash right past him, towards the delightful origin of the scream.

The way the curls of her hair bounces as she bounds, has him smiling even wider than the scream possibly can.

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**A/N: **Hi there, thank you, for the time~


	10. Chapter 10

She had reached for her gun, at the same time Maura had reached for her hand.

A gentle squeeze, Maura had sent, and they both had understood that that meant: I understand, but don't do anything rash Jane Rizzoli.

She had unholstered her gun and Maura had done as she had once made her promised: Stay low, stay out of trouble, and don't follow me. Stay safe, and stay behind, if you must follow me.

She knows that Maura has already dialed for Korsak and Frost, as she had headed off in a sprint towards the origin of the scream.

We're at the carnival, she had thought to herself as she had run. People scream, she had reasoned as she had neared the scene. But not like that, and they do, for things like this. She had concluded as she had come to a stop behind a frantic woman behind a counter covered in knives.

They glint, the knives, all shiny and clean, except for one - and there it had lay, amongst the dozen knives, the only one covered in blood.

There it had rested, there it had been left - a glaring object coated in blood - that seemed to match the still flowing pool from a little boy, with a balloon animal in his hand.

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**A/N: **Hi there, thank you, for the time~


	11. Chapter 11

"Doctor Isles," he calls out her best friend's name, her best friend the medical examiner.

He prepares his best clownish smile and he has his gift in his hand - ready, present, and everything planned.

The only variable he had allowed was his own curiousity as to if she can recognize him, and regardless, the plan is the very gift.

The medical examiner turns around.

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**A/N: **Hi there, thank you, for the time~


	12. Chapter 12

She turns at the sound of someone calling out her name.

Jane had left not just mere seconds ago, and apart from it being not her voice, it was simply highly unlikely that it was Jane calling her anyway. Jane had made her promise to call for back-up, and not try to be the back-up. She knows that the Hoyt incident still frightened Jane - she just never could get Jane to talk about it, because Jane had evaded the topic still.

There were officers all over the place, and although a couple of them had run behind Jane, the detective, there were officers all over the place. She turned at the sound of someone calling out her name, or at least, her professional name.

She sees a clown, grinning at her with a balloon sculpture in his hand, standing before her. The glint in the clown's eyes seemed familiar but, she was greatly distracted by what was held up and offered to her - a balloon sculpture that seemed to spell or resemble the word - 'Jane'.

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**A/N: **Hi there, thank you, for the time~  
Note: Remember my note in chapter one? Well, I'm really not sure if balloons can be sculpted to form words but, I think it's possible...?


	13. Chapter 13

"Take it," he says. You've taken so much more already. He thinks.

He holds up the balloon sculpture of her name, and offers it to the medical examiner.

He had spent days, and hours of each day, practicing this. Working the balloons just right, to spell her name; designing it had been tricky. Getting the air pressure and rubber stretched, precisely enough, for the sculpture to form her name. He had spent days, and hours of each day, practicing for this. Practicing and perfecting this moment.

"Take it," he says, with a gentle toot of his horn. "It's yours," he says, with a gentle honk of his nose, and he widens his already made up smile as the medical examiner reaches for the balloon.

It is then, and it has to be done just right then, that he reaches for the item in the pocket of his pants.

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**A/N**: Hi there, thank you, for the time~  
If you're here, hope all's alright, and apologies, for it's late where I am so, it has to pause here for now - the story. Truly and sincerely, thank you for reading, if you are, and even if you aren't, it's okay too. Thank you, for the time=)


	14. Chapter 14

She reaches out for the balloon but holds onto the clown's hand. She recognizes the glint in the clown's eyes now. She knows who he is. She knows, who he is.

Despite the bright red wig he wore over his hair, despite the powdered face to conceal his natural colouring, and despite the big red nose and the oversized shoes, she remembers the glint of his eyes.

She had stared at them every chance she had gotten, just to determine if he looked at her best friend, as she deserved to be looked at. She had studied his expressions as he interacted with her best friend, just to ascertain that he's an honest man. She had watched and had observed all that she could have about this man, about her best friend's man, just to assuage herself that he loves her as much as she loves him; and that she herself would never stand a chance with her best friend, with Jane.

She knows who he is, and the heaviness grows in her chest.

"I'm not taking it," she lets go of his hand, and steps a little away back, "It's not mine." She declines again the offer he presents – a balloon sculpture, a balloon sculptured Jane – Jane.

"I know who you are," she states with an even voice as she tries not to feel the growing guilt.

She knows who he is, and she had stolen her away from him.

"Casey," she says his name, and is afraid to meet his eyes; but she forces herself to look up, and she tries to apologize.

She had stolen Jane away from him, but no apology manages to materialize – there is only guilt and shame in her left.

"That makes one of us Doctor Isles," Casey smiles, and she notices that his smile is wide but his eyes fall inside, "And she's not mine either," Casey adds.

She had stolen her away from him. She had stolen Jane Rizzoli away from Casey Jones.

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**A/N: **Hi there, thank you, for the time~  
Hmm. I'll love to say trust me, but, no one should ever trust me. Hahaha. All I want to try with this story is, the idea that: there are two sides to every coin, to every story, to every being (at the very least).


	15. Chapter 15

His hand leaves his pocket, empty.

The plan was for the medical examiner to accept the balloon sculpture, before he could present the medical examiner with what needed presenting. The plan was for her best friend, the medical examiner, to accept the balloon sculpture, before he could present her best friend, the medical examiner, with what needed returning. The plan was for her, to be accepted and looked after.

His hand leaves his pocket, empty; and the medical examiner's hand, her best friend's hand, was on his.

The medical examiner's hand, her best friend's hand, was on his, before the medical examiner, her best friend, had stepped back away from him. The medical examiner, her best friend, had stepped back and the medical examiner, her best friend, had refused; her best friend, the medical examiner, had declined the offer of the balloon sculpture, of her.

The medical examiner, her best friend, had recognized him, had known who he is, and had used his name.

His tag remains now, invalid - neither the clown tag nor his dog tags, could be an identity - he was not 'Jasey' the joker happy clown or 'Lieutenant Colonel Jones' the decorated soldier; he's just Casey, the man her best friend, the medical examiner, recognizes and yet, never her.

The medical examiner, her best friend, knew who he is, and called him by name; when he himself knew only enough to reply with, "That makes one of us Doctor Isles," he had said as he tried a smile; and he wishes not to, but he had spoken the truth, "And she's not mine either," he had added, as the words had cut into him.

His hand had left his pocket, empty; but it is determined to do different - he has a plan, a mission, and she is important.

With both his hands he gestures it again towards her best friend, the medical examiner, Maura Isles. "Please, take it," he offers again with a smile, as he removes his big red nose, "Jane is yours. It's you she ran to, you she stayed for, and you whom she chose Maura."

"Take it, the balloon sculpture. Take it, because it can burst so easily with me," he gently waves the balloon sculpture, "Balloons burst, and Jane is like a soft shell crab, like a balloon. Tough, but also vulnerable," he sighs, "She would have burst if she stayed with me. You were her support even when a building had collapsed around her, and I needed her but I only left her." He admits with a heavy sigh.

"Take it," he says as he reaches into his pocket, "Take the balloon sculpture, take Jane, and this too," he steps towards Maura with the item once in his pocket, now in his hand, "Jane dropped it in her hurry to walk away from me and, she refused to see me ever since," he hands Maura the balloon sculpture and the item, "In her hurry to leave as she said no to me," he removes his wig, his hands now free, "We had a fight, and she must have had it in her hands when we argued, to keep her calm possibly," he watches as Maura looks at the item, at how Maura's eyes started to water, "Jane sleeps with it when I'm around. I thought at first, that it was because that was how we had come to meet again," he looks at the item, "She holds it in her hand, the one she keeps under her pillow, when she sleeps, right next to me," he looks back to Maura, "Jane is yours Maura," he pats Maura gently on the shoulder, and he says with a smile, because his mission is complete, "Jane is yours Maura. You're her best friend and more. Jane was always yours."

He turns and walks away - there is one more confession that he must make.

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**A/N: **Hi there, thank you, for the time~  
That, I hope, would have done Casey some justice - because, well, it's not all his fault (if anyone was to blame)...as I'll try to hopefully portray in chapters to come. Hmm. Were you right to trust me, if you did? Hope that this chapter wasn't an utter disappointment or a shot out of nowhere and, hope it was alright.  
Things even out, will work out, in the end. Also, since I've Tumblr-spoiled the episode, all I can say is: I don't know the exact plot of the crime (because no one really talked about it) and, as for all the emotional pain Maura felt in it...everyone's going to hurt in this story of mine; though the reasons differ and from all I had gathered, this fanfic is different from the episode anyway. So, that's pretty cool.  
Furthermore, the emotional fanfic writer (me) is hurting too; so...this is also my way and chance to say, I might be taking another break - because, I'm about to snap and kill off characters and, I really do not want another 'No Instant' story to happen - that hurts, still. Nor would anyone like story after story of pain, of characters dying, would they? Hahaha. Thank you for the time spent with this story, and the interest in it; and don't worry, all stories will be completed, one day. It's just a short break I'm taking, to clear my head. Apologies.


	16. That chapter

Maura holds onto the balloon, hardly believing what she had received.

Jane steps then up to Maura - she had witness the whole scene.

Casey does a double back and he does the one thing he had actually been meaning (or tasked) to do - he takes a needle and bursts the balloon.

On Maura's hand a piece of paper remains - Happy April Fools!

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**A/N:** I had to. Happy April Fools from HaveringFool!=)  
Do disregard this chapter in terms of the story progression.


	17. Chapter 16

**A/N: **Hi there, update time and, yay again, for it's till completion. A note of caution however, I really am not certain if I'm even close to the characterization of the characters so, be forewarned and as always, you're welcomed to stop reading anytime. Thank you, for the time=)

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She stays hidden by the wall.

She feels bad for having hidden herself and choosing instead to watch, to watch and observe, like an innocent bystander.

She knows that she caused this love triangle, that her fears led to more people being hurt.

She chose Casey first, she'll choose anyone first, before really choosing the one she loves.

She can stand losing anyone but Maura, and she'll have chosen anyone but Maura - because if Hoyt or any of her crazed suspects wanted to hurt her again, they'll go for the boyfriend she chose instead of the best friend she loves.

She stays hidden by the wall, taking in the slumped figure of Maura holding onto a balloon that faintly resembles her name, and a clenched fist over an item she already knows belongs to her - she had heard its loud fall to the floor, but she had already been mid-way out of his door by then; she's not going back, she chose.

"It would all be fine if Casey hadn't decided to propose," she mutters to herself, and sighs in frustration, "I could have stayed over with my best friend and still have a live-in boyfriend as cover for as long as no one knows," she takes in a deep breathe, squares her shoulders and walks towards Maura as loudly as the heels of her boots can manage - a lovers' spat, if they are still a couple, is no scene to make at a crime scene with a gruesome child killer on the loose.

Her smile is weak as Maura looks up and turns back away from her.

"I've had them bag the body and bring it back to the morgue, let's go Jane," was all Maura said, as she follows behind clicking heels, and taking the wheel to drive them back to the precinct.

Maura never once open her clenched fist, or let go of that pink balloon that spells her name - don't they both know I hate pink?

Don't you know that you should never have picked him? An angry thought flashes as her foot steps on the accelerator pedal.

She had used her sirens and ran, only two lights - knowing all too well, that she's still guilty, of breaking also, two hearts.

"I'll come down for the report in an hour Maura?" Her question ends as her fingers fall away from Maura's shoulder.

Maura has entered the elevator and has only a nod and a faint smile in return for her.


	18. Chapter 17

He looks in the mirror as he lets the tears trickle and fall. The adrenaline passes and the emotions creep in. Tears of a clown. He mocks at his reflection.

He had left the alley, and hurried away from the sirens, from the crime scenes, and all the happy children.

He had seen her, a pony tail and a blazer like a gust of wind right past him.

His pockets are empty - no more rubber balloons waiting to be inflated, waiting to be sculpted, waiting to be burst; no more item or person that needs returning.

He wipes at the pasty make-up covering his complexion, he dabs at the streaks of red - of a faded smile, made a mess by tears that he had shed - his eyes are red.

Tears of a guilty man. He confesses. He removes his medals and dog tags; Lieutenant Casey Jones does not go to prison.

He steps out of his oversized shoes, and pack up his coloured wig - again, red.

He calls for a cab out of fear of running, of disappearing, of stopping at anywhere else but at the precinct - he has a mission to complete, he has a place he has to be.

"I'm sorry Elsie," he ruffles the golden coat of his furry only friend, "I'll be away for a long time this time," he guides her to the cab, "But you won't be alone, like she isn't. You'll be taken care of, you'll be loved, like she will be."

He watches as pedestrians and cars blur by.

Tears of Casey Jones. Difficult to come by.

His cheek is moist - Elsie understands doesn't she? Why he must do this. Why he had to do all of this - Elsie's lapping at his cheek.

Elsie's whine turns into a yelp of joy, as he steps out of the cab and shakes the hand of Detective Sergeant Korsak Vince.


	19. Chapter 18

"That's an intricate and interesting design. Alex and I took a balloon sculpting class once and…"

She looks up from the item in her hand and meets a smiling, albeit worryingly, Susie.

"Detective Rizzoli had me bring you a cup of coffee Doctor Isles," Susie sets a porcelain mug on her desk, "I'll go finish up on those reports now," Susie smiles.

"Thank you Susie," she smiles too as Susie begins to leave the room. She knows that the coffee isn't from Jane - Jane would never have took the time to get a porcelain mug; Earth smish, caffeine caffeine! That was Jane's retort when she insisted on them cutting down on paper cups.

She looks at the item in her hand.

She remembers it, the way Jane had shielded her, the way Jane had fallen as the bullet pierced right through Jane, and at how profoundly useless and unhelpful her cry of Jane's name had been, at how her once steady and useful hands failed to wake her best friend, and at the way Jane mumbled her name before drifting into unconsciousness, all while her hand held onto Jane's as the other uselessly tried to stem the bleeding, helplessly tried to keep Jane from dying.

She looks at the item in her hand - at the bullet engraved with her name.

"You took a bullet for Frankie Jane, you are a hero, you risked your life to save his, and you will go to that ceremony, if not for yourself, but for the police force of Boston," she had said to coax Jane into her uniform, and Jane had smiled and answered, "No Maura, I took the bullet for the people I love, and that includes yes, my brother, but also you, my best friend."

That was the day she knew - that Jane thought too her, as her best friend.

"And that's all I'll ever be, Jane chose him first and not me," she places the item next to the balloon sculpture, "I'm just better at allowing Jane to be both her and detective Rizzoli."

She looks around her empty office, and sips at the cup of coffee Susie had bothered to bring her.

"That's all I'll ever be," she reclines into her office chair and tries, to not let guilt get to her, to not let why Jane wasn't there in the morning for her coffee get to her - Jane has stopped sleeping over; and it's been over an hour, Jane's not here.


	20. Chapter 19

She sits at her desk and tries to concentrate.

A strand of hair, that she bets is really hair, and bloody children. She hates children killers. She hates sitting at her desk and not at Maura's office.

She sits and tries to focus.

Two little John Does, and now a little Jane Doe. Killer doesn't have a sexual preference. Killings might be totally unrelated. Apart from how autopsy indicates the cuts to John Does necks to be post mortem and at how there was a lack of blood splatters at the carnival's...killings were all at the same location and-

She gives up.

It's been more than an hour, she said she'll be down for the report but she's afraid. She's afraid of admitting her foolish mistakes, of explaining her cover-ups. She's afraid that she'll forever lose the constant promise of a cup of coffee brewing streets away.

She gives up - the killer can wait. Besides, Korsak said that his confidential informant has a lead or something. She hates children killers. She hates killers. The killer can wait. Her girlfriend's more important.

"Frost, remember to have all the folks at the carnival checked out, alright? I have to go."

She stands and starts to leave her desk.

Korsak passes the doorway with a man she swears she recognizes behind him.

She starts to say something but Korsak ducks his head into the office and beats her to it - "Sit Jane, he's here for me."

She nods and backs back to her desk - to safety, to put some distance between her and the man she had chosen first, at the man she had since refused to meet.

Casey's looking at her, saying and offering nothing verbal or through his expressions; and she's already right against her desk, this is as far as I can be away from him, she internally lectures.

She hates herself for avoiding, she hates herself for how awkward she's making things, she hates herself for choosing to escape than explaining, than apologizing to Casey now trailing wordlessly behind Korsak.

She chose. She damn well chose. She chose the constant promise of a cup of coffee brewing streets away.

Maura's more than important, and guilt is just something she has to deal with - along with the fear of everything if she ever lets it be. The killer can wait. Casey can wait. Maura has the bullet she shot herself with and she needs to explain.

She chose. She chooses the constant promise of a cup of coffee brewing streets away.


	21. Chapter 20

"What you're saying is true Casey? I mean, Mr Jones?" Korsak is a good cop, and his shock barely registers.

"It's true Vince, everything I said, is true." His palms are faced down on the desk. He wonders when the cuffs will come.

They let him off before. For all the lives he had taken as a man of uniform. They let him off before. He was a soldier, he was a lieutenant, until that one wrong fire, one wrong shot. A child had come running towards his platoon, chasing a ball of red, a floating balloon. The child was laughing, chasing and running headlong into an ambush. He was too late, he was too slow, he couldn't call off the fires, the gun shots - and he fired, as they all did, but his bullet did it. He had watched the child fall, quick and heavy to the floor. Blood pooled, smile kept on. They let him off before, for all the lives he had taken as a man of uniform; and they let him off too, for the life of a laughing child that he took. He got his retribution, he did - a shrapnel to his spine, and he could have been paralyzed. He should have been. But then came Jane.

Korsak is looking at him, filled with disbelief; and he supposes it has something to do with how he had minutes ago convinced Korsak to watch Elsie for him.

Korsak clears his throat before he reaches for the handcuffs, "I need you to sign a confession, and I will have a doctor in here to evaluate your mental condition," Korsak looks kind for a second, "And yes Casey, Elsie will be safe with me," Korsak has the cuffs around his wrists and Korsak's looking at him like he has more to say, while he's looking at Korsak, hoping that he'll say something about Jane.

Jane that he once dated, once cared for and still did. Jane that kept all pain and trauma away. Jane that spoke at that event, that event that commemorated Jane being shot - an event that happened because Jane shot herself; and that's how they met again, not at some high school reunion.

Korsak stands, and starts to walk away.

He had to care for Jane. He had to take care of her. He had to get better, get his spine fixed so he could protect her. No more bullets, no more blood, only Jane, happy and his pain and trauma all kept away.

Jane said yes to being a couple again, she said yes to dating, to living together, to being together. Jane said yes, when he could see it even then - back when they first met again - how her best friend came and had her, how the cars had exploded and the fire burned behind them but she had her, she had Jane.

But Jane said yes to him, to them being a couple, and not to her best friend, not to the medical examiner.

He proposed, and he gotten an answer - a bullet engraved with Maura Isles' name.

Jane said yes to him, slept next to him, and held on always, to her best friend, to the one whom Jane ran to as the building collapsed, to the one Jane would spend nights with after tough cases, and to the one whom shielded Jane, whom kept Jane's pain and trauma away.

"I'm lead on this, Jane's off the case," is the last thing Korsak says to him before the door shuts and he sits, a guilty man, waiting to charged.

They let him off before. For all the lives he had taken as a man of uniform. But they won't let him off now. For all the lives he had taken as a clown. For all the children's laughter he silenced, with a bullet and bloody knives.

He's going to prison - Casey Jones is going to prison.

He sits, hands chained to the desk, dog tags around his neck, and clown nose on display in between his hands.

His mission is complete - he's going to prison, and she'll take care of her, she'll take care of her best friend Jane.


	22. Chapter 21

"Jane?"

She eyes the detective sitting on her sofa, looking sullen and eyes a little too red.

Her hands easily frame Jane's face and she kneels before her best friend, her...girlfriend, she allows herself to think, "Is everything okay?"

Her thumbs brush away at falling tears and she remembers then what she had on her desk.

She stands and before she can do anything else, Jane has a firm grip on her hand.

"Let me explain Maura, please," Jane has her arms around her, "You're more than that, you're much more than that," Jane is mumbling into her shoulder, and she hates herself for doubting Jane, for letting it all get to her, for feeling guilty about having Jane here holding her.

"I choose you Maura, not him," Jane is kissing her shoulder, "You're more than my best friend Maura," Jane kisses her temple, "You're much more than that," Jane sounds certain, and she wants to believe her.

"We've only been dating for a week Jane, it's hardly fair for me to demand more from you," she forces herself to peel away from Jane, "He gave them to me, he gave you to me," she centers herself, reminding herself to breathe and not reach out to comfort Jane, Jane who's looking hurt and close to tears in front of her, "And you didn't come for your coffee this morning, I understand. We're good best friends," she wants to hold onto Jane, "And we can stay that way, you won't lose me just because we stay best friends," she wants to believe, she really wants to believe.

She watches as Jane looks at her, anger and hurt bubbling underneath, and watches as Jane turns around to walk away.

I'm used to being alone, she thinks as her office becomes empty.

She wants to believe, she really wanted to believe.


	23. Chapter 22

"Kor-" Frost is interrupted.

"Jane we have to talk," Korsak is waiting by her desk for her.

She wipes away at her tears and looks right at her partners, "What is it Korsak? I need to call it a day, I have something to attend to. Spill it," she replies as she takes items out of her desk. She chose. She chose.

"You're off the case Jane, the child killer case," Korsak has his hand on her shoulder, and she gently shrugs it away, she's okay. She chose, and Maura just needs to believe her.

"He works at the carnival doesn't he? Good job man, I really have to go," she turns to walk away.

"It's okay man, she doesn't need to know," she catches Frost's whisper.

"What don't I need to know?" She turns towards her partners.

Korsak and Frost are eyeing each other, and she knows that they are keeping something from her. "Is it the case? Is it important? Can it wait?" She asks as each word grows louder. She can't be detective and Jane, not when Maura's what she's chosen. She has to go, she has to prove to Maura that she has her. She blinks away the tears. "What is it Korsak?" She calms down enough to ask.

"It can wait Jane, he'll be here for at least twenty-four hours," Frost answers in place of a silent Korsak, and her gut tells her enough - the killer, Casey, can wait.

"If it's indeed Casey, tell him I'm sorry, but he'll have to wait too, for my apology," she storms out of the bull pen. She hates child killers, she hates hurting her.


	24. Chapter 23

"Doctor Isles?"

She looks up from her laptop, Susie's at her door with a solemn Jane behind her.

She tries to smile.

"Can I help you Susie? De- Jane?"

"You're my hero Doctor Isles, and I'm sorry but I'm on Detective Rizzoli's side for this," Susie apologizes as she locks the door behind Jane, and she watches as Susie locks the other door leading into her office - Jane's standing in her office, looking at her, hurt and no longer angry.

"We're best friends Jane, you don't have to lock me in here with you to keep me with you," she states as she stands to search for a book on the bookcase behind her. Anything to not look at Jane, and anything to keep her from holding onto Jane - from comforting someone who is not hers.

She stiffens as soon as she feels Jane standing behind her.


	25. Chapter 24

"I'm not Ian Maura, I'm not Ian leave the woman he loves for Africa Faulkner," she is looking at her hands, wanting to frame Maura's waist.

"But I am Jane clueless idiot detective who chose a man as cover to protect the woman she loves Rizzoli," she is careful to make each word clear.

She's looking at the breathing figure in front of her, and she wants Maura to turn, to face her.

"Maura, please, let me explain," she wants to wrap her arms around Maura, "Let me give you a reason to believe," she wants to rest her head on Maura's shoulder, "Please let me be the reason you believe in both me and in love again," she wants to have Maura smile at her, have Maura just look at her, "Please."

"I chose you Maura," she wraps her arms around Maura who hugs her, "I'm not leaving you," she holds Maura closer, "I choose you, I love you," she can feel Maura's lips on her temple, and she's okay, she chose Maura, she chose Maura, and Maura's holding onto her.


	26. Chapter 25

"I want to Jane, I want to, but I can't," she clings onto Jane who's holding tightly onto her, "I really want to but I can't, you chose him," she sobs into Jane's shoulder, "You chose him and I'm just your best friend, I'm just your best friend," the bullet she had in her fist falls onto the floor and Jane holds even tighter onto her, "I'm just your best friend Jane, and you chose me just because you can't be his and you too, just because you're better at being you and a detective with me," she wants to push herself away from Jane, "I'm just the more logical, and strategic decision," she wants to hold onto Jane, but the balloon sculpture taunts her, and the words she had written that Jane must have seen reminds her of her decision - "I'm just your best friend Jane," she reads off the words she had written, guilt vanishes as pain takes over, "I'm just your best friend Jane," she forces herself to read the words as Jane's holding onto her.

I'm used to being alone, she can hear the words echo around her.

"We're good best friends Jane," she makes certain each word is eloquently delivered, "Ian is not the cause of this, and neither are you. I'm just not good enough for you as a girlfriend, and we should just stay best friends. We make good best friends," she pushes Jane away as she pulls herself away from Jane, "I'm just your best friend Jane," she makes certain that each word is heard, even if it hurts.


	27. Chapter 26

"No." She half pulls and half drags Maura to the sofa, and sits Maura there. "No."

"You are more than my best friend and you know it, you know it even when you can't believe it, and that's okay," she is on her knees, "You are more than my best friend, and you are my choice, my decision, my everything, and there is nothing logical or strategic about this because if I lose you, if I choose you and I lose you, I lose me too. I lose me, I lose my job, I lose everything that I am and I care for so don't you go telling me that you are the most logical, and strategic decision because Maura Isles," she breathes against the shoulder that she needs, "I love you, and I need you, and you are more than my best friend, you are more than my best friend and I am not leaving you," she kisses Maura's temple before she forces herself to stand.

"This is my badge," she unclips the badge clipped onto her buckle, "And this is my gun," she removes her firearm, the holster, her whole belt goes, "And those define me as a detective, as does the rainbow certificate I got," she digs into her pocket and places the scrunched up ball she retrieved from her desk on Maura's coffee table.

"I want those, and they are me, and they will stay where I go, and I'm right here with you Maura, in your office, and I will have Cavanaugh transfer me down to work next to your ice cold morgue if it means that any day, any one day, you'll believe that I choose you, because I love you," she goes back down on her knees, hands framing Maura's tear-stained face, "And you know I tackle like a linebacker so if you run, I will chase. Wherever you go, I will follow, and if I lose you, I will find you and have Frost come up with a tracker that I will tag onto you, because I will choose you," she kisses Maura's forehead.

"I went to your mother's place Maura," she hands Maura her passport, "Look, the stamp says Jane went to France," she watches as Maura flips through the pages, "I broke up with Casey, and I did as you told me to. I took a break and thought about things. I took a break, I went to your mother, and I asked Constance if it was okay. If it was okay for me to be with her daughter whom I love very very much, even if it meant risking whom she once risked her own life to protect, and saved," she kisses Maura's tears away, "Choosing you is an extremely frightening decision Maura, but I'll choose no different right from this very moment," she kisses Maura's dimple.

"And now this is me, this is me as Jane, me as naked as I can be without being actually naked because I'm sure Susie is watching this," she smiles at the laugh that escapes out of Maura, she smiles, "And this is the honest truth Maura," she kisses Maura's nose, "You fixed my nose, you fixed the hole in my heart, you are why Hoyt scares and doesn't scare me," her thumb brushes at the ridge of Maura's brow, "I chose Casey, because if I chose him, I can keep you safer, I can be with you without hurting you, without risking you," she brings her thumb to the faint scare on Maura's neck, "I caused this, I caused Hoyt to pick you, I endangered you in that sick game he plays, I caused this," her thumb caresses the scar on Maura's neck, and Maura rests her hand at the back of hers, "If I distanced myself away from you, I would not put you in danger because if someone like Dominic comes at me again, and in his delusions or whatever, he needed to take out his competition, he would choose you, but if I lived with Casey, if I was girlfriend to Casey, they might pick him, they might hurt him first and it's bad, it's terrible, it's horrible of me Maura but I can't lose you, I can't lose you," her forehead is resting against Maura's, "I was lucky with Denis Maura, I was lucky, and I'm not sure how long more I can be lucky because I think I used it all up just because I got to be with you, even for one week, I must have used up all my good fortune because I could finally tell you I love you Maura, I can tell you I love you because I love you," she has her lips to Maura's temple and Maura has her hand through her hair, "And the longer I wake up alone in my bed, the longer I can protect you and still have you to hold," her hands are in Maura's, "I choose you Maura, my constant promise of coffee many streets away," her eyes rest on Maura's, "Please don't let me stop being your girlfriend Maura, please," she smiles her best smile, "I'll master your coffee machine," she smiles her best smile because Maura's touching her cheek, with a kiss.


	28. Chapter 27

She slides to the floor, kneeling opposite Jane, "Is that also why you won't hold my hand when anyone else is looking? Why you would only hold onto my shoulder, or rest your hand on my shoulder at crime scenes or when there are officers looking?"

"No…" Jane's blushing, "I just don't like it when people - oh alright Maura," Jane relaxes against the sofa, "I'm dead scared that people would see, and word would spread, and they would know, just know, that detective Jane Rizzoli's kryptonite is you, the medical examiner, in heels," Jane's holding onto her hand.

She's looking at her hand in Jane's, and she's thinking of everything that Jane had said.

"Why Kryptonite Jane? You're hardly superman, you hate mornings and if I remember it right, superman recharges himself through the sun, doesn't he?" She jests as she catches sight of the bullet under her desk, and she looks back up to the balloon sculpture on her desk. She wants to believe.

Jane brings her head to Jane's shoulder, and Jane's holding onto her hand, drawing circles at the back of her hand.

"Maybe not kryptonite then, but I would, I really would, I would lose me if I ever lost my one weakness and strength, you, a woman named Maura Isles," Jane kisses the top of her head.

"Statistically speaking Jane, there would most certainly be more than one woman named Maura Isles, and if you would -" Jane's holding her back, and stopping her from standing, "I just wanted to find out how many Maura Isles there are Jane…" She knows that it's deflection. She understands now why Jane did as she had done, but knowing and believing are entirely different things. She really wants to believe.

"And if you find a hotter Maura Isles, would I leave the Maura Isles I currently love now, and will love too later, tomorrow, and if eternity is real, and don't go physics on me, would I leave you Maura? Would it matter to you?" Jane's lips are curved in a smile but she can tell that worry resides in Jane's eyes - they are downcast, Jane's eyes.

"What if she's a better friend Jane? What if she lets you have burgers and fries every night, and gets all your movie references, your jokes and sarcasm? What if she is just better for you than me? What if she's a detective too, and you needn't worry about protecting her because she'll worry about protecting you too and, what if there's another Maura Isles more suited for you? Wouldn't you like to know?" She wants Jane to choose different, to choose better, to choose someone she wouldn't have to shoot herself over, to choose someone she wouldn't have to rescue, who wouldn't scar because of her. She wants Jane to choose her, and not choose her. She lets Jane hold her close to her. "I don't like dealing with what if questions Jane, but what if there is someone better for you?"

"Is there or is there not a barometer or microscope we can use Maura? To test if we are a match, to prove to you with data that I will choose you, I will henceforth always choose you," Jane kisses her temple, "Even if it means less pizzas, less chinese take out, less burgers and fries, more morning jogs, more kale and, I really will Maura, I will master your coffee machine and remember to have British strawberries for Bass," Jane kisses the top of her head, "I'm your Jane Maura, and you can have my blood if there really is a science apparatus to test my love for you," Jane kisses her hand, "Better is subjective, and I will be a test subject for you," Jane almost blushes at the cheesy line she delivers.

"Love has often been said to just be a mixture of brain chemicals and oxytocin is often present at high levels, along with dopamine, and," she smiles at Jane who looks really intent to listen to what she's saying, registers how Jane's tracing circles on the back of her hand, and at how Jane's just looking at her, as if she's the only person she loves in the world, "Will you move in with me Jane? I'll upgrade my security system and I'll let you bring your gun to bed," she kisses Jane's temple, "I want you to have coffee right when you wake," she really wants to believe, "I want to be your girlfriend Jane, and I've got too your back," she holds onto Jane's hand, "I believe, and we don't need test results to prove our love," she kisses Jane's temple, "I love you too."


	29. Chapter 28

"You're the dumbest genius I know," she teases and Maura's aghast look warns her that maybe she's taking things too far too soon. She reaches into her pocket and presents Maura with a set of keys, "Just to prove to you that I'm serious, there's evidence now, that I am as much yours as you'll let me," she grins at the smile that Maura graces her, "There's the key to my cruiser, there's the key to the lockbox I have where I keep my gun that will now be a permanent bedside fixture in our bedroom, and there's the key to my house, which I probably wouldn't need unless you need the space to store your shoes and clothes from last season?" She decides again to tease, and Maura's laughing now. She's okay - Maura's holding onto her.

"You already have the keys to my place Jane," Maura sounds almost accusing as she pockets the keys she hands her, "And I do need more closet space when you've moved in," Maura rests her head on her shoulder, "Your current work clothes has to stay, and I'll fill up a whole wardrobe with your new clothes," Maura's grinning at her and she slowly shakes her head - okay, maybe it wasn't so bad to have Maura restyle her wardrobe.

"We have to buy a telescope," she murmurs against Maura's temple.

"So we can thank the lucky stars for each other?" Maura's smiling up at her.

"See, you do get my references," she kisses Maura's temple, "We make good best friends Maura, and a great couple," she smiles at the smile that smiles at her, "We do Jane, we do."

They can hear a muffled giggle accompanying the sound of the lock to a door to Maura's office unlocking.

"I'm really glad I did not strip bare now," she whispers into Maura's hair.

"Susie must have seen her fair share of naked women and men at her nudist retreats," Maura's hand is in hers, "I'm sure she's seen better."

"Better Maura Isles?" She raises her eyebrows. "Am I not a good enough test subject now?"

"You're not an experiment Jane," Maura smiles, "You're my best friend and my girlfriend, I'm your Maura and you're my Jane," Maura kisses her smile, "You're my coffee, you're my Sun," she kisses Maura's smile, "And I believe in you Jane, and our love, for always," Maura and her kiss, because girlfriends, can kiss.


	30. Chapter 29

"Do I really have to Jane?" She hesitates outside the bull pen.

"Come on Maura, I need you," Jane's tugging on her hand and encouraging her to enter the bull pen, "We got to do this together, I can't possibly say that I'm dating the wonderful medical examiner and not introduce her right?"

"Korsak and Frost already know Jane, there's really -"

"Maura Darling Isles," Jane's grinning against her ear, "I love you, and I think it's time for the world to know that I've always loved you, and just how much I do," Jane has her hand on Jane's chest, "As long as we break no office rules, I'm never letting you go no matter how many officers pass our way, no matter what desk job -" Jane's eyes widen at her sniggle.

"You did not Maura," Jane's blushing, "I meant paperwork! I...never our beautiful minds," Jane's holding onto her, "I just want to hold your hand and let the whole of Boston know that Jane Rizzoli, detective or not, loves and will hold onto only you," Jane kisses her temple.

"And you'll teach me boxing, to protect us both?" She holds onto Jane, "Because I care for your safety too Jane," she chases away the memories the bullet conjures, "I want to be able to protect you too Jane," she kisses Jane's temple, "The person I love."

"You keep me safe already Maura," Jane holds onto her hand, "You're my Sun and I'm recharging like Superman," Jane poses like her superhero reference, and she is all smiles as Jane guides her into the bull pen.


	31. Chapter 30

"Who died?" She's mocking the looks of worries on her partners' faces, "Oh right." How can she forget. The palm she has in Maura's must be all sweaty now. Maura's looking at her worryingly too.

"Are you okay Jane?" Maura has her hand on her cheek, "You're pale and exhibiting signs of extreme nerves, cold sweat and, isn't that…" Maura's looking behind her shoulder.

She turns around and hears only the nervous coughs her partners have as background backup. Casey's being taken away right now and he's passing by the bull pen, in handcuffs and a smile.

She gives Maura's hand a gentle squeeze before calling out for the officers taking Casey into custody.

She turns to Maura first, "I have to apologize to him too Maura, for using him, for-"

"He killed the children?"

"He came to Korsak and he confessed, and now that he's being taken away, it must mean...that he did it…"

"Would it do any good in lowering his sentence if we focused on how he only slit their throats post mortem? It might indicate that -"

"You're amazing," she kisses Maura's forehead, "I'll do what I can to help him, I owe that to him. Will you come with me? To talk to him?"

"He was the one who gave me to you, balloon sculpture and the bullet with my name engraved on it," Maura's whispering in her ear, "I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier," Maura's looking down at their hands.

"I saw, I was ashamed and looking on in hiding," she kisses their held hands, "And remember Maura? I'm yours now, by our choice, right?"

"We can place the telescope in Bass' and Jo's room," Maura kisses her, "I'm never leaving you too."


	32. Chapter 31

He sees them, walking towards him and he smiles.

"Hello detective, hello doctor," he would have saluted if he wasn't cuffed.

"I'm really sorry Casey, for using you, for having hurt you to get what I wanted out of love and life," Jane's apologizing to him.

"I used you too Jane, to keep the nightmares away, we're even, we're okay," he responds with a smile, because his mission's accomplished, he's going to prison now.

"We'll be doing all we can to try and lower your sentence Casey," Jane's looking down at her feet, and he sees it.

She's holding onto the hand that reaches for hers – Jane's.

He smiles, with tears forming in his eyes.

"I'll be going now, you make a great couple indeed," he smiles, because his mission's accomplished - she's taking care of her, she'll take care of her best friend Jane.

* * *

**A/N: **Hi there, thank you, for the time~  
I'm not sure if I managed what I set out to do because, I've forgotten what I set out to do and, I do admit, I might have over prolonged the Jane and Maura scenes, and shadowed again Casey but, whoa, stepping into clown shoes or even figurative child killer shoes, is not something I wanna do (but I wanna retire so, apologies; got to complete before school begins) - should not have gone there or done that - but anyway, thank you, for reading if you have and, hopefully, nothing was too cringe-worthy. Admittedly, that part where Jane blushes due to the cheesiness, is probably actually really me. Hahaha. Hmm. Thank you, for the time=)


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